literature

When I wake up || Destiel || AU || Ch.6

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‘’Dammit, Misha! Calm down! You have to calm the fuck down!’’ Jensen growled, which wasn’t exactly helping me at that moment.
My coma dream and the real life started to mash up and there was no way I could’ve known about Forcas. So yes, I was having a huge panic attack.

‘’Misha, look at me. What’s going on?’’ Jensen said, his tone was calmer now. He had pressed his cool hands on either side of my face, making me look at him, making me meet with his burning green eyes. I thought I saw a hint of panic in there too, but I was too busy trying to control my breathing. And I failed horribly at that.

Jensen rushed into the kitchen and came back with a paper bag, handing it to me. I just stared at the damn thing, not knowing what to do. Jensen sighed and explained I had to breathe into it. I did.

‘’Better?’’

I nodded and tried to avoid his look, as long as he reminded me of Dean it was too damn painful to see his eyes without that gleam they used to have when they were focussed on me.

‘’Now, tell me what’s going on. And no lying! I can see it when you don’t speak the truth.’’

I knew he was frowning, he was worried. I could hear it, his voice was soft and low.

‘’Forcas.’’ Was all I could get over my lips, the word was bitter on my tongue and made me want to flush my mouth with soap and water.

‘’He was in your dreams?’’ Jensen asked, his voice even softer now.

I nodded again.

‘’Are you sure? I mean… The human brain usually isn’t good in remembering dreams. It’s possible that you-’’

‘’NO!’’ I blurted out, startling myself with the volume of my voice. For a brief moment I looked at Jensen. He looked shocked.

‘’Alright.’’ He said after a few seconds. ‘’Forcas was in your dream, so what? Misha, it was just a dream! You ave to get yourself together. You seem so… I don’t know… paranoid lately.’’ He rubbed his face and gave me another worried look, which I avoided again. ‘’I think you should seek some help, buddy.’’

I wanted to open my mouth but Jensen beat me there.

‘’Professional help. I mean like a psychiatrist, a brain doctor, a shrink. I don’t know! Maybe the car accident caused some brain damage.’’

I stared at the paper bag that I was currently crumbling in my hands. He could be right. What if I always had been human. What if this wasn’t some silly trick the angels had played on me. But maybe that’s exactly what they wanted me to believe. Was it for my own protection? What did those dreams mean?

‘’Mish!’’ Jensen said and snapped his fingers in front of my nose, pulling me back to reality and out of my head.

‘’Huh?’’ I stammered.

Jensen sighed and stood up, ruffling his hair and stretching his back.

‘’Dammit, Misha. I can’t leave you here alone!’’ He whispered, more to himself than to me. He let out a frustrated whine and looked down at me. ‘’Jesus Christ, you look like you’ve seen a fucking ghost! What am I supposed to do with you?’’


Twenty minutes later he had packed my weekend bag, draped me in my raincoat and scarf and was standing on the curb in front of my house. ‘’You coming or what?’’ He said with a fake smile on his face. Of course it was a fake smile. Not that he hated me, he cared about me more than I liked, more than I could handle. I was feeding on false hope again and I knew it. I loathed it but I couldn’t push away that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like a dying fire that was being stoked up again.

I followed him and took the shotgun in his Cadillac Escalade, staring out the window and watching the gray autumn scenery flash by as we drove to the Ackles’ home. Garth Brooks quietly singing in the background. For a moment I wasn’t grinding on conjurations and conspiracy. For a moment there was nothing more in the world than the dark clouds hovering over the suburbs and soft music playing.

When we arrived Jensen opened the car door for me. He took my bag and carried them inside the house.

‘’Sweetheart, I’m home! I brought Misha with me!’’ He shouted.

Danneel popped her head into the staircase, pressing her finger to her lips. ‘’Shhhh! I just got her in bed for her nap. I’ll be down in a minute.’’ she almost whispered. ‘’Hi, Misha.’’ She said with a big smile on her face and waved at me. I just put up my hand. And she disappeared again.

‘’Oops.’’ Jensen chuckled ‘’Guess I lost track of time. Come, I’ll show you to the guest room.’’

Again I just nodded and followed him without a word. Jensen opened one of the many doors in the house and lead me inside. The room was pretty big for a guest room, way bigger than I expected. There was a nice queensize bed with gray duvet and some other shades on the throw pillows. There were a big closet, a nice arm chair, a small bookcase and even a tv.

‘’The bathroom is just across the hallway. There are towels in the closet.’’

I smiled faintly ‘’Thank you. Thanks a lot.’’ I said lastly. I had spent the last five minutes gathering courage to speak to him.

There was a knock on the door. ‘’Jen? Are you in here?’’ Danneel voice sounded through the door before she opened it, looking quite surprised to find us there.

She frowned ‘’What are you guys doing in here?’’.

Jensen looked like he just got caught stealing candy at the drugstore ‘’I… ehm… Let me explain.’’ he said and left the room with Danneel, closing the door behind them and leaving me alone in this rather strange environment.

‘’He’s staying here?! How long?’’ I heard the muffled voice of Danneel in the hallway.

‘’I don’t know yet, but I couldn’t leave him all alone. He’s not okay, Dann, you saw him. He doesn’t look good and it seems to get worse. I think it has something to do with the accident.’’

‘’His wife just left him and took the children, what the hell did you expect would happen?’’

‘’It’s not just that, I’ve known him for years. I’m sure it has to be something else. And by the way, we promised Vicky we’d take care of him when needed, and now we need to take care of him.’’

Danneel groaned. ‘’Alright! But I don’t want him alone in this house with JJ. If he really is troubled I don’t trust him with our child.’’

‘’C’mon, Dann! Don’t be rediculous!’’

‘’I’m serious! We’re not leaving him alone with her.’’

‘’Alright! Alright… Jeez. I’ll keep an eye on him.’’

‘’Good. Oh, by the way. You’ll have to cook. I’m going to a casting tonight.’’

‘’No problem, princess. I’ll manage.’’

The door opened again. I quickly zipped my bag open and pretended I didn’t hear a word they spoke, but I couldn’t help feeling a small stab in my heart.

‘’Mish, good news. It’s just us and JJ tonight. When she’s in bed we’re gonna have one of those old fashioned guy-nights. Whadaya think of that?’’ Jensen said with a huge grin spread on his face.

I looked up and put a smal smile on ‘’Sounds nice, Jensen. Really nice. Will Jared be there too?’’

Jensen shook his head ‘’Nah, I heard he’s going to one of those fancy charity dinners with Gen again. So really, just the two of us. If you like that, of course.’’

I nodded quickly. I don’t know why I nodded. I wanted to avoid situations like that to the fullest but I couldn’t say no, could I?

Later that evening we were sitting in the living room, munching on pizza and drinking beer. We talked about the unimportant things in life, the new camera man, the intern girl in the makeup and hair and all the stupid pranks that Jensen and Jared had been playing on the guest actors and extras on the set.
I was thankful for the fact that Jensen decided to not talk about the mental breakdown I had earlier that day. I tried to avoid his look most of the time by staring at the crackling fire burning in the fireplace or the pictures on the wall. Jensen didn’t seem to care and just kept talking to me like nothing had happened.
Was I happy about that? I have no idea. Him talking to me reminded that he wasn’t Dean anymore and him not talking left me with a painful silence. Space to fill my head with my own thoughts, terrible thoughts. Thoughts about burning blue eyes, hell hounds, skinny hands and broken wings. When I thought about it really hard I could feel the bones snap again.
Forcas haunted my mind most of the time.


‘’Say bye bye to your feathered friend, boys.’’

A flash of chrome and bright light started to over me.

‘’It’s okay, Dean. You can let me go.’’ I wheezed ‘’Just let go.’’



‘’Misha. Misha, come on. Stay here.’’ Two hands gently rocked my shoulders.



I was sitting in an armchair in a room I vaguely remembered. I looked down, a blade was stuck in my stomach, it had broken the skin and bright light was pooring out the wound.



‘’Misha!’’ the voice slowly started to come to me.

‘’Just let me go.’’

‘’No, Misha. You have to wake up.’’

I looked up, there he was again. His flaming green eyes, half covered by his greasy black hair that made his face even paler than he actually was.

‘’Misha!’’

I blinked a couple times. But the green eyes kept staring back at me. Then everything went black.



‘’No, I know Bobby. He’s gone, we tried everything.… Yes… I will. Thanks, man. I’ll call you later… Bye.’’

Jensen was probably calling Robert.

I slowly opened my eyes, finding myself lying on the backseat of a car. The car was moving. I lifted my face from the slightly sticky black leather and looked around. There two men in the front seats of the car. The one behind the wheel was just putting his phone away and glanced quickly at the rearview mirror.
The gleam in his eyes, it was back.

‘’Jensen?’’

The eyes widened and the men turned their heads.

‘’Cas?!’’ Jensen exclaimed and rammed the brakes, making the car tires scream as the car stopped abruptly.
As the car stopped I almost shifted off the backseat and a sharp pain shot through my abdomen. I groaned in pain and looked down to see I was bleeding heavily. It was too real to be a dream, too painful to be fake.

Jared opened the car door and jumped out, ripping open the door to the back seat, he looked surprised but worried.

‘’Cas, Jesus. How are you feeling?’’

Jensen turned around in his seat, flipping his phone open and dialing a number. He didn’t take his eyes off me for a second. I just stared back at him, confused and desoriented. I closed my eyes, trying to think the pain away.

‘’You don’t remember what happened?’’ Jared asked.

‘’Drop it, Sammy. What happened isn’t important, what happens next is.’’ Jensen said.

Sam? He called him Sam?!
I opened my eyes and looked at the guys, even more confused now.

‘’Sam?’’ I whispered.

‘’What?’’ he replied.

‘’Oh my God, please tell me this isn’t real.’’ I said softly

‘’I’m sorry, man. You really just got stabbed by that… Duke of Hell guy. But no worries, he’s dead now.’’ Jensen… or Dean said. ‘’Bobby! Fucking finally! It’s Cas, he’s still alive. He’s in a bad shape, but he’s kicking again. Almost literally.’’ he spoke into the phone and finally turned his face away from me, leaving me to… Sam?

‘’F-Forcas is d-dead? Where am I?’’ I mumbled and looked at the youngest man.

‘’Just outside Alexandria Minnesota. Do you remember anything from the last two days?’’

I tried to think very hard. But I only saw some vague flashes of Sam and Dean, but they weren’t them.
‘’It’s just a big blur.’’ I murmured.

‘’Dude, we thought you were dead.’’ Sam said.

Sam and Dean were here with me. I was surprised that I was surprised about it. Of course they were here with me.
It took me a while but I started to remember. I remembered the barn, Forcas, the stabbing, the violence and Dean and Sam rushing in. Then I passed out.

‘’He was dead, Sammy. For two days. You were there, you saw it happen. He was gone, it was over.’’ Dean said. He sounded quite plain and emotionless.

Sam sighed ‘’It’s not like this never happened before, Dean.’’ he spoke softly. He was just hearable over the rumbling of the Impala.

Dean tucked his phone back in the pocket of his jeans and jerked his head around ‘’I know, Sam. But every time can be the last. Who knows how long this ‘luck’ will last. We don’t even know who or what is even bringing us back all the time. I only know that whatever it is, it’s picking the wrong people.’’ he grunted, ‘’Are we good to go now?’’.

The pain in my abdomen was totally blown away by the breaking of my heart. I’m sure that if you listened carefully you could’ve hear it being ripped apart by Dean’s words.

Sam frowned and looked down at me ‘’Are you good?’’.

I didn’t respond. I just stared at the back of the passenger seat, hoping that Sam would just sit back.

‘’I’m sure he’s okay, Sam. Now get your ass back where it was and get over with it!’’ Dean said. He was clearly pissed off for some reason. But because I had magically come back from the dead? For the God know what number of times. As Dean drove the Impala further onto the road the memories started to poor back into my mind. But not about Sam, or Dean. They were there, but they weren’t themselves. They were vague copies of who they really were, if they were real at all.
It was I like waking up from one dream into another, not knowing what was reality and what was fake.

As the Impala started to rumble again and Dean pulled back onto the road Sam looked over his shoulder. I had decided to sit up half against the door, my legs still resting on the backseat.

‘’Cas, try to get some rest.’’ Sam said and gave me a wink.

I nodded and carefully shifted back until I was lying comfortably. It hurt, every move I made, every bump in the road. But it was nothing compared to the crack in my heart and Dean’s words echoing through my head, ‘’It’s picking the wrong people.’’.

It took me a while. But after an hour or two I drifted to a place where I had never found myself before.

Sleep.
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FedeFaar's avatar
i need moooooooooooooooore! please please please continiue!!