literature

When I wake up || Destiel || AU || Ch.3

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‘’I love you. I love you so fucking much, you probably can’t even imagine.’’

Hazel green eyes bored into mine, his look filled with unconditional love.

The outside world didn’t exist for a moment, all the demons, the monsters, the humans. They weren’t important anymore. It was just us.
Just Dean and me, staring at each other.

His eyes fluttered shut and his soft pink lips encountered mine. I closed my eyes too and leaned in to kiss him.


‘’Misha? Do you want some coffee?’’

My eyes shot open again only to meet a white ceiling. I let my head roll to the alarm clock, it was already 9:36 am.
Victoria didn’t care though. I had been back at ‘home’ for only three days and I was still recovering.

‘’Misha?’’ Vicki called my name again. She was probably in the kitchen.

I hated it when she called me that, it would only remind me of being awake. I didn’t want to be awake. I wanted to be asleep, where I was Castiel again.

The doctors had told me that all my memories are generated by my own brain. When I had the accident I was so focussed on my job, being Castiel, that it’s the only thing I remember.

‘’No thanks!’’ I yelled back.

I felt too guilty to let her do things for me. Yes, she was my wife, but I wasn’t her husband, I was not the man she married. And she still loved me, she still took care of me and I didn’t want that. Because I didn’t love her back and I felt horrible about that. But I can’t force love, nobody can.
I hoped that somehow I could fall in love with her, maybe that would cure me from my crazy obsession with Dean. I needed that cure, because Dean wasn’t real. Jensen was, but he was married and saw me as ‘just a good friend’.
He had visited me a couple of times when I was still in the hospital. He would tell me funny stories about the pranks that Jared and he played on co-workers on the set.

I knew that Sam didn’t exist either, but I was still shocked to see him walk into my room with Genevieve to his side, Ruby. I was so glad when they left and their presence would be replaced by Jensen’s.

I loved it when he visited me, but it also broke my heart. His beautiful eyes weren’t looking at me like they used to, and there were no more sweet loving words slipping through his lips.
For me it was as if I had been Castiel for ever. The things I had done with Dean…

I closed my eyes again, trying to let the dream wash over me again, but I was wide awake. I would never feel his lips on mine again.
I pulled the sheets over my head and took a deep breath, fighting back the tears.

‘’Daddy?’’ a soft voice said. Slowly the sheets were pulled off my face. Two deep brown eyes stared back at me. He inherited those from his mother.

‘’What is it, West?’’ I said softly.

‘’I love you, daddy.’’ he said and kissed the tip of my nose.

I smiled, unable to hold back my tears. What was I supposed to say? I barely knew the kid!

‘’West, come here. Daddy needs to rest now, you know that.’’ Vicki called her son back, out of the room, away from me.

I was glad he was gone, but I also felt intimidated. Did Vicki think I was dangerous to ‘our’ son? Or did she really want me to have peace and quiet.

West looked at me one more time, hope sparkling in his eyes that maybe I would tell him I loved him too.

‘’Come on, West.’’ Vicki said once more. And West waddled away, out of the bedroom.

‘’Jared will be here in 45 minutes to get you back on track, remember? You’d better get out of bed and freshen up.’’ my wife said and walked to the bed, sitting down on the edge.

She smoothed my hair and stroked my stubbled chin. Her eyes lingered on mine. She frowned a bit.

‘’Sweetie, have you been crying?’’ she spoke in an awed whisper and leaned forward to kiss my head.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, wincing as her lips touched my skin. I didn’t want her kisses, I didn’t want her attention and pitty.

Vicki bit her lower lip and heaved a sigh. ‘’Just get yourself ready for Jared, okay?’’ she said and left me again. When she was in the hallway she groaned, probably because she lost her husband, or maybe just because West was being naughty again. It was hard for me to know what I wanted to think about the entire situation.


‘’So, I brought you the script from your very first scene.’’ Jared said ‘’Let’s see if you can still work your magic.’’

He pulled a small stack of papers out of his bag and handed half of them to me, holding on to the other half.

I started scanning the text. After reading my first lines I thought I was going to die. I took a deep breath and looked at Jared. He was still looking at the script that he was holding in his hands.

‘’So if you could just read your lines out loud. I will play the part of Dean.’’ he said and looked up.

After a moment of processing the situation I just nodded.

Jared cleared his throat and read the first line.

‘’Who are you?’’ he spoke.

I swallowed. I knew what I said that day. I remembered it like it was yesterday.

I took another deep breath and read the next line.

‘’I am the one who gripped you tight a-and… raised you from perdition.’’ I stuttered.

Jared stared at me for a moment ‘’Misha, are you okay?’’ he asked.

That name again, he called me Misha.

‘’I mean, you still have the voice. I mean… you have had that voice ever since you woke up, but that was not the Castiel I was hoping to see.’’ he said. ‘’Wanna try it again?’’

I looked at my hands and nodded ‘’Okay.’’ I whispered and Jared read the first line again.

He looked straight at me, like Dean did that first night.

‘’Who are you?’’

‘’I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.’’ I spoke, trying to sound as serious as I probably could.

Jared smiled at me and gave me an approving wink, then he read the next line.

‘’Yeah, thanks for that.’’ he hissed ‘’Blablabla, sticks demon blade in your chest, you pull it out and knock out bobby.’’ he chuckled and nodded.

‘’We need to talk, Dean.’’ I said ‘’Alone.’’

Jared smiled at me ‘’You still have it, good job.’’.

I frowned ‘’I was just pretending to be-’’

‘’Exactly! That’s what you used to do, pretend to be Castiel. It’s not that hard. Okay, next scene.’’ Jared said enthousiastic.

I didn’t even have to look at the transcripts anymore, I knew what was going to happen. I looked Jared straight in the eye.

‘’Your friend is alive.’’

‘’Who are you?’’

‘’Castiel.’’

‘’Yeah, I figured that much. I mean what are you?’’ Jared growled.

‘’I’m an angel of the Lord.’’

‘’Get the hell outa here.There is no such thing.’’

‘’This is your problem, Dean.’’ I said and paused for a second ‘’You have no faith.’’

Jared smirked ‘’You are amazing, you know that? That was epic. You see that?’’ He held up his arm ‘’You gave me goosebumps.’’ he chuckled.

I gave Jared a faint smile. This was a disaster. Every single memory was just a piece of paper. My words weren't my words. But what about the times that Dean and I-

"You wanna practice some more?" Jared asked me "Or do you think you can manage it yourself?"

"I think I can do this myself, Sam... I eh... I mean Jared. I can do this myself... Jared." I whispered "I'm sorry.".

Jared gave me a worried look.

I heaved another heavy sigh "I'll be fine." I stammered.

"Misha, may I ask you a question?"

I nodded and fumbled a bit with the stack of papers between my fingers.

"What do you remember?" Jared asked.

"Nothing." I said softly, avoiding Jared's gaze.

"No, I mean... When you were out, in that coma. The last time I saw you look at Gen like that was... I can't even recall you ever looking at her like that. You two used to get along so well. You looked at her like she was... Ruby." Jared chuckled at how rediculous he sounded. But it wasn't all that rediculous after all.

"That is because it's the only thing I remember." I whispered. I braced myself for Jared's reaction. But all he said was...

"Oh."

"All I remember is that I really was Castiel and that I was killed by Forcas."

Jared frowned "Who is Forcas?"

"Nobody important." I said "Because I wasn't killed and Forcas doesn't exist." I groaned and scratched the back of my head.

"There was never a character called Forcas on the show." Jared mumbled.


We went through some other old scenes together and had coffee. After that Jared told me some stories on how I used to be before the accident.

‘’You know, Misha. I was a bit skeptical when Robert sent me to you, but you still have it. I think that you are even getting better. Not that you weren’t a good actor before, but… I don’t know, it seems like you are more comortable with playing Castiel.’’ Jared said and patted my shoulder.

I smiled a bit ‘’Thank you… Jared. That’s really nice of you to say.’’

Jared winked again ‘’No problemo Mishamigo.’’ he said and laughed.

‘’Oh, by the way. Gen had the idea to have a little get-together tonight, she is gonna cook for us. Jensen and Danneel are coming too. We would love it if you and Vicki came too.’’

I gulped ‘’Uh… Yeah, I think it would be nice. But Vicki is going to visit her parents tonight and-’’

‘’So you’re alone with the kids?’’

I shook my head ‘’No, she is taking them with her. She said that it might be nice fo me to have some alone time.’’ I sighed.

Jared frowned ‘’Do you want some of this infamous ‘alone time’?’’

I shook my head.

‘’Then why don’t you come without Vicki? You have to get out of this house at some point, why not with some good friends?’’

I bit my lip ‘’I guess it’s not such a bad idea to go out...’’ I mumbled.

‘’But?’’ Jared asked.

Yeah, why not. What could be possibly bothering me about having dinner with Jared, Gen, Jensen and… his wife Danneel!

‘’I don’t have the car.’’ I made up for an excuse.

Jared nodded and readjusted his white beanie for the hundredth time.

‘’Ah, I’ll call Jensen. I’m sure he will pick you up! He loves you!’’ Jared chuckled.

My heart skipped a beat, I looked at Jared with big eyes.

When Jared looked at me and saw my expression he started to laugh even harder.

‘’No! Hahahaha! That’s not what I meant. Haha. He loves you as his buddy. Oh my gosh. Hahaha!’’ he roared with laughter ‘’You should see your face right now! Haha. Anyway, you wanna join us?’’

My thoughts were flying around, I didn’t know what to do. Yes, I wanted to see Jensen again, but I didn’t know if I could handle actually seeing him with Danneel.

‘’Come on, you can’t lock yourself up in here for ever! You have to get at some point, why not with friends?’’

I knew Jared had a point, I had to face Jensen one way or another. I’d better just get over with it and have dinner with ‘J2’ and their wives, right?


So Jared called Jensen. He was more than glad to pick me up that evening.

‘’Honey, I’m leaving now. How late would Jensen and Danneel be here again?’’ Vicki asked, she was holding Maison in one arm while West was tugging on the other one, he wanted to go to his grandparents already. I still hadn’t met them, Vicki said that I had to take it easy.

I looked at my watch ‘’They can be here any minute now.’’ I said.

Vicki nodded ‘’Okay, have fun, sweetie!’’ she said and quickly pecked my lips.

‘’You too.’’ I mumbled and ruffled West’s hair a bit, making him giggle.

‘’Come on, West.’’ Vicki said and gently pulled him toward the frontdoor I opened for her.

‘’Oh look, they’re here already!’’ Vicki exclaimed and smiled.

I looked outside, Danneel was just stepping out of the car to fetch me. So I grabbed my jacket and took a quick glance in the mirror, I still hadn’t shaved but I didn’t care. I found that I had a legit excuse not to get rid of my beard.

Danneel hugged Victoria and stroked Maison’s cheek ‘’She is growing so fast!’’ she awed.

Vicki giggled ‘’Yes, I know. Too bad they don’t stay this small forever.’’ she sighed ‘’How is JJ doing?’’

‘’She is doing just fine, she is with us tonight. Actually I wanted to call our babysitter, but Jensen loves his baby girl so much he just couldn’t leave her at home.’’ Danneel said.

My heart shattered in a thousand pieces, Jensen and Danneel had a baby daughter. But I didn’t get the chance to process the information. Danneel pulled me in her embrace.

‘’It’s good to see you, Misha.’’ she said ‘’Come on, Jensen is waiting in the car!’’ she started to drag me out of the house toward the car.

I looked back at Vicki, she just smiled and nodded that it was okay so I let myself being lead to the car. To my disappointment Danneel claimed the front seat, so I walked around and sat down in the back.

‘’What’s up, feathers?’’ Jensen chuckled as he looked at me through the rearview mirror.

‘’I’m fine.’’ I said and smiled back at him, drowning in his sparkling eyes until I suddenly felt uncomfortable. I felt two eyes staring at me from my right side. I turned my head to see a small, goldenbrown haired infant gape at me. Her bright blue eyes pierced right through me
She was beautiful.

‘’Misha, meet Justice Jay aka JJ. JJ, say hello to uncle Misha!’’ Jensen squealed, making his daughter burst in a high pitched baby laughter. I couldn’t hide my smile anymore.

‘’Hello, Justice. I’m sure we met before, but uncle Misha was just silly enough to forget about everything.’’ I chuckled.

Danneel giggled ‘’She really likes you, I can tell!’’

‘’Well, let’s get going. We don’t want to let Gen and Jared wait. And I’m pretty hungry to be honest.’’ Jensen said and smiled at me through the mirror again.
I felt a blush creep over my cheeks and I gulped. I knew that Jensen had noticed it, he looked a bit shocked but shook it off and started the car.

‘’Off to Padalecki!’’ he said and put on some music to ease the atmosphere, which I was grateful for. I didn’t really feel like talking anyway. Justice didn’t take her eyes off me.
There was something about her I couldn’t put my finger on, but she had a calming effect on me.

Thirty minutes later we arived at the Padalecki’s.

‘’Misha, could you take JJ?’’ Danneel asked ‘’I have to get her chair out of he trunk.’’

‘’Uh… sure, why not.’’ I said and got stepped out of the car. I walked to the other side and opened the door to unstrap Justice. To my surprise she was already unstrapped.

‘’Ehm, Danneel? She wasn’t strapped at all!’’ I said.

Jensen popped his head around the door ‘’That’s strange, I’m sure I strapped her up when we left our house.’’ he stated ‘’We have to be a little more careful next time.’’ he said.
He picked up his daughter and looked at me.
‘’Wanna hold her?’’ he asked.

I couldn’t say no to that offer. The little girl had fascinated me from the moment our eyes met.

I nodded and held out my arms to take little Justice. She seemed more than happy to be caught in my embrace.

‘’Let me take that, Dan.’’ Jensen said and took over the chair from Danneel.

‘’Thanks, pumpkin.’’ Danneel said and kissed her husband’s cheek.

I looked away, I couldn’t stand the sight so I focussed on the girl I was holding in my arms again.

Together we walked up to the frontdoor. Genevieve had seen us coming and was already standing there to welcome us inside.

‘’Hey guys!’’ Gen sang and hugged Danneel ‘’It’s been too long, I missed you so much!’’.

Gen gave Jensen a quick hug and then turned to me.

‘’Misha!’’ she exclaimed ‘’Good to see you are out of bed. I was really worried, you know.’’ she hugged me tight, but watched out she didn’t crush JJ in the process.

‘’Come on in, guys. Dinner’s almost ready, I hope you people like italian because Jared OD-ed on the pasta a bit.’’ Gen giggled.


We were all sitting at the big dining table. Genevieve and Jared were sitting next to eachother, Jensen and Danneel were sitting across of them. Thomas and little Shep we positioned next to their parents and Justice was settled next to me.

The pasta was great, Jared and Jensen were discussing some scenes they were going to do together and Gen and Danneel couldn’t stop talking about their children. I sat there quietly, I couldn’t focus on their conversations so I took another bite of spaghetti.

‘’I’m gonna check on the dogs, I’ll be right back.’’ Jared said and left the dining room.

As I stared at my plate I got that familiar feeling of being watched again. I looked to m side, but Justice was paying attention to other things. It was neither of the Padalecki boys and Gen and Danneel were still talking incessantly.

My eyes turned to Jensen, to meet his gaze. I saw doubt in his green eyes, like he was considering looking away, but he didn’t. He kept looking straight at me. Was he trying to tell me something?

Jared came returned to the dining room and Jensens eyes left mine again.

‘’I let them in the garden for a while, they were a bit nervous.’’ Jared said and walked to one of the cupboards, pulling open one of the doors and grabbing an oblong box, wrapped in red paper with a silver bow on top..

Suddenly all eyes were focussed on me.

‘’Dear Misha, since you’ve been in the hospital the entire crew realized how much we actually needed you on the set. During your absence we found out that Supernatural is not the same without you and we all -yes, me too- missed you very much.’’ Jared said, the others laughed.
‘’We were really afraid that you wouldn’t wake up so we were thrilled to hear that you regained consciousness. And the entire crew wanted to give you a little something.’’

Jared handed me the box, it was quiet heavy. I looked at the people around me.

‘’Go on, open it!’’ Jensen said, I could read the curiosity from his face.

I removed the bow and lifted the lid. My jaw dropped a few inches at the shiny chrome that was almost blinding me.

It was an angel blade.

‘’Oh my god, guys!’’ I exclaimed ‘’I love it, how… Thank you so much!’’

‘’Now this here is the real deal.’’ Jared said ‘’This ain’t plastic like we use in the studio. It was Jensen’s idea.’’

I looked at Jensen, his cheeks were flushed slightly, but again he was staring at me.

‘’Thank you guys, this is amazing.’’ I breathed, carefully putting the lid back on the box.

‘’Who’s in for a drink?’’ Jared asked.

Jensen bit his lip ‘’I don’t know...’’

Danneel smiled ‘’It’s okay, I will drive.’’ she said.

Jensen smiled ‘’In that case, yes please!’’ he laughed.

Jared and Jensen looked at me with questioning faces, almost begging me to drink with them.
I sighed.

‘’Alright than!’’ I breathed and gave in.

The guys grinned at eachother.


Jared poured us a whiskey while Danneel was helping Gen in the kitchen. The kids were playing on the other side of the big living room near the grand piano.

‘’So, Misha. Are you planning on coming back to the CW any time soon?’’Jensen asked after Jared handed him his glass.

‘’I sure hope so.’’ Jared said ‘’We tried some scenes today and believe me, Cas is back. He is doing even better than before!’’

I sighed and swirled the ice around in my drink ‘’Yeah, I guess.’’
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Asharo's avatar
This is amazing! Hope you will write more chapters! *-*